It was a cold day. But some people like it that way. Clarence was one of those people who like it cold. Cold... and spicy. This is why Clarence was always drinking so many fluids. He said he liked it spicy, but when it came to uncut jalapenos, Clarence was a real wimp. Yes, was a crime fighter, and he drank plenty of fluids. Sometimes he would take fiber supplements with those fluids, because he never did eat enough asparagus. But that frown wasn't always ordinary constipation. Clarence had a dark, cold, and spicy past, a past so dark that I'm not even going to go into it in the first paragraph.

Enter the second paragraph. The second paragraph is just a small speck in the grand scheme of things. Once its fifteen minutes of fame are up, it will be cast aside like a scratchy Milli Vanilli album. We'll all end up in that Milli Vanilli trash heap some day. But not Clarence. Clarence has, you know, a special quality. He was someone you could really dig. You know, groove on. If you try to throw Clarence into a pile of of broken CDs, the CDs would be all like, "Naw, this guy's too cool to be thrown away. Put him back where he belongs. This one's worth letting live. Let him live, man. Just let him live." The point is, the second paragraph sucks in comparison to Clarence, and it knows it. It knows it all to well.

Just look at the way he invaded the Evil Crime Syndicate (ECS). Your average Joe Hero would probably just run in there firing at everything that blinks, or maybe slip into their Evil Crime Syndicater's (ECS's) ranks, pretending to be one of them. But not Clarence. Clarence has got too much class for that. He gets his lessons from history. First, he built wooden bookshelf, except without shelves. Then puts a big sticker on it that says "to the ECS". The result? Not a Trojan Horse. Not a Trojan Box. It's a Trojan Bookshelf. Only Clarence can think of these sort of things. But that wasn't his superpower. No, not by a longshot.

This is where the adventure begins. If you don't count the previous three paragraphs. And you shouldn't. Seriously. I mean, I don't. There hasn't even been any action.

Clarence Clarence Clarence Clarence Clarence

POOF! Clarence rolled out of the bookshelf and let loose a smoke bomb so no one would see his clever entrance. KA-POW! He dashed across the area and leapt onto a nearby desk! RING! CRASH! Clarence kicked off the phone and asserted that the he, and he alone, was lord of the desk.

"All right, ECS! No one moves until my demands are met!" Clarence shouted. He shouted because that's just what people do during a hostile takeover.

"Sir, this is the lobby," said the reptionist.

Clarence turned around, trying not to get his shoeprints on her papers in the process. "The lobby? But... my bookshelf was clearly labelled "To the ECS Secret Evil Meeting Room. Lobby. ECS Secret Evil Meeting Room. How do you get the two confused?"

"No mail goes past the lobby until the courier comes to get it, sir," the receptionist sighed as she played with her pencil.

"How long will that take?" Clarence said indigniantly.

"He usually comes at about one."

"Okay... I guess a couple of hours won't hurt me. I'll just wait here, then." Clarence then climbed back inside his bookshelf. "Hey, what do you have for lunch?" he called from within after a moment.

The receptionist pointed down the hall. "Look, if you go down there and turn to the right, you'll find the Hostile Takeover Department. They might be able to help you better."

Clarence rolled of the box again. "Ah! Thanks," he said, and started to follow her directions.

"Wait, sir." She called. "If you're a superhero, what's your powers?"

Clarence put his hands on his hips and laughed. "Don't tell me you didn't notice! I have the ability to understand the masses. For you see, my father was a taxi driver, so I know what it's like to be part of this country's glorious workforce!"

The receptionist smirked. "Then be a gentleman and get my phone for me."

Clarence rushed over to the fallen telephone and put it to his ear. "It's just a dial tone. Strange. I expected one of your evil overlords to call here and threaten me by now. They must be underestimating me. Score!" Clarence shook his fist before dropping the phone and dashing down the hall.

The receptionist grudgingly got up, walked over to the phone, and dialed her evil overlord's extension. "Your Excellency, we have a visitor. And a new bookcase, if you want it."

END CLARENCE EPISODE I