(Short Version)

Sirs:

I'm not about to tell you that country music is an abortion in the eyes of God and should be reclassified from music to torture. Far from it. To my understanding, the genre of country started out on the prairie in the old west. After somehow getting lost from their herd of cows and their ranch, stranded with nothing more to eat than their horses (and perhaps a Slim Jim, the snack real men eat), cowhands would have to sing simple songs with their thick western voices just to keep the howling of cyotes from driving them insane.

Country wasn't bad when it hit the recording studios, either. Those old musicians, such as the ones named Hank*, produced some pretty catchy stuff. They kept their songs simple and usually on topic. That topic was the west, and not how mad my wife was when she caught me drinking/cheating/abducting small children or whatever filth is being sung about now.
*Actually, I can't think of an old country singer who isn't named Hank. But the Hanks were good, as far as country stars go. Think Hank. Be the Hank.

Look at country now. Just look at it. Instead of having its own unique flavor, it's now just pop/rock with a southern accent, except that it, as a rule, sucks. Who in their right mind wants to hear the Dixie Chicks wail about how they can't find Arizona on a map? No one does. Seriously.

This image was put here to satisfy all the fools who can't read something without a picture in it.

So far, I've mentioned wailing girls and wife trouble as the popular subjects of country songs. That's all there is, except for one more sub-genre: America-glorifying noise. Take that song about 9/11, for example. That bloody song that won't come off the bleedin' radio no matter how hard you scrub it. You know what I'm talking about. "Uncle Sam your name on the top of his list." That one. Look, I can see why you might want to play this again and again. The song "American Pie" is a classic, and no one remembers what it means. But get this: The song in question is not, and will never be, a classic. As someone whose intelligence I have no reason to doubt put it, "It's about picking on the little guy and throwing a temper tantrum." But most importantly, it will. Not Come. Off. The BLEEDIN' RADIO. Do you get my point yet?

You might think people do want to hear it, because they keep tuning in to your station. Sadly, it doesn't work that way. Every day, as hundreds of workplaces are tuned in to you, the person controlling the radio doesn't even listen. It's because your wankish noise has killed their taste and interest in music. Even if you don't believe that, you can't deny that some poeple will listen to your station no matter what.

Don't go telling us you can't play better songs, because people want to here these. Be a man. Cut the songs from your program. Don't worry about how anyone will react. They don't even listen.

After you've managed to find and play quality songs, we'll have to work on that horrid accent of yours. You can save yourself. We can help.

Love,

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