Once every year, that special time comes around when little childrens' lives are lightened up by gifts from good ol' Saint Nick. Poor guy. He has to sort through letters from all over the world, and what does he get from it?

Actually, he probably gets a lot of laughs. Here I've chosen a few select (and unaltered) letters, once run in the newspaper, and I've written a reply to them as Santa. (Of course, I changed the names so the people who wrote these don't look at them with shame once they get out of second grade.) Keep in mind that the schools chose these letters to send to the newspaper. In other words, don't blame me.

Dear Santa, I've been a good boy, Santa. I want a gameboy. And a four-wheeler. My sister wants some smelly good stuff. My other sister wants some Barbie dolls. Your friend, Leopold IV

Dear Leopold IV, Don't tell me you've been a good boy. I know how you've been. Getting into your sister's smelly good stuff a little too much, eh?
And about your "other sister"; I'm Santa, remember? I see you when you're sleeping, I know when you're awake, I know you only have one sister. So I'll just drop those barbie dolls off and we'll forget about the four-wheeler and the game boy, alright?

P.S. Tell your sister to quit the smelly good stuff. It'll cause cancer.

Deas Santa, I want a pellet gun and a sling shot and two pistols and a monster jam truck and a shotgun. Your friend, Slim Clem

Deas Slim Clem, And what have you done with the switchblades and the grenade launcher I gave you last year? Ingrateful wretch.

Dear Barbarossa,
What? What do you think I am, some fat git who sits around in a red suit at the north pole and has nothing better to do than give things to greedy children? Go get it yourself.

Santa,
I do not want to lie. I be a little bad. I do not want a present ok.
Love,
Theresa

Theresa,
Not happening. You're getting a pony. And you better take good care of it, or I'll give you more next year!

Dear Santa, Are you doing hard work? I thank your elves. Your elves are doing a great job. I can't wait until it is Christmas. I like your elves. I want a four-wheeler.
From Billyville

Dear Billyville,
Pfft. Ask the elves.