I.Introduction
Legends speak of an ancient and prominent fighter, who will go unnamed win this instruction manual, who really liked swords. Although his military conquests were few, his greatest triumph was convincing those who read of his exploits to like swords too. This manual focusses on undoing* the work of this fighter and restoring swords as objects of international loathing and disgust. Use of this manual is simple. Just go to the table of contents, find the sword you want to learn to hate, and then find that sword within the manual. If you need additional help, don't hesitate to call technical support. However, we're not going to tell you the technical support number, because we really don't want you calling us.
Have you seen this fighter?
Table of contents
I. IntroductionII. Swords
1. Rapiers
2. Scimitars
3. Cutlasses
III. Intermission
II. Swords
1. Rapiers
Why They SuckIf you are reading this, it assumed you know what a sword is. As a brief reminder, a sword is a weapon that consists of a handle (for holding) and a blade (for hitting). The blade is expected to have certain properties, such as a point and edges, that can poke or slice an enemy, thus causing them pain, thus winning you babes and glory. This is why rapiers are such a mystery: they don't have edges. Sure, some rapiers have an edge or two, but the rest don't. An edgeless sword is like a club without nails in it, or a gunless submachine gun.**
Historical Proof
Yea, although they were only armed with thin little blades, and although the blades didn't have edges, the army of the Lord triumphed that day over the Philistines, and poked their eyes out, all in the Lord's name. And that's what Christmas is all about.--the Bible
How to Hate
Close your eyes. Imagine being beaten about the ribs by some arrogant guy (probably French, with a curly moustache) wielding a rapier. Imagine cleaving his face into two seperate faces with a real sword. Eww. That's kind of gross. Now all his brains are falling out, and there's no one around to clean it up but you. Sick. Just stop imagining.
2. Scimitars
Why They SuckWe're not really allowed to talk about this, but sources tell us that anyone who uses a scimitar is a terrorist.
How to Hate
Do your part for the war effort, citizen!
3. Cutlasses
Important NoteIt's a common misconception that cutlasses are mainly for pirates. Pirates can also use rapiers, if they're gay or French or afraid of hurting the enemy.
Why They Suck
Cutlasses were used by sailors because because they were heavy enough to cut ropes. They were one-sided, so it was hard to accidentally cut your crewmate a new mouth in a crowded cabin. Futhermore, their curved shape allowed them to be used for slashing, stabbing, and even sawing.
Sailors must have been a dim lot. Cutlasses work okay and all, but there's another tool that works even better. It's faster, smaller, and above all, safer. Introducing:
Expect the next installment of this manual to come out soon. Until then, assume the other swords are okay.
*Seriously. If you convert every letter in this manual to the corresponding letter in the Cyrillic alphabet and read it backwards aloud, it's an ancient spell to raise all the soldiers this fighter has slain. Cool, huh?
**Actually, a gunless submachine gun would be sort of cool. A submachine. I'd buy one.
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