There comes a time in every dude's life when he has to say goodbye to him home and the life of comfort he's known, and step into the world. Unless he has a garage, in which case he can stay inside while walking to his car. Either way, once within the relative safety of the car, where he is portected from Nature's nastiest devils sent to plague us, such as wind and rain and shine, said dude can go anywhere and do anything he wants. And then he will most certainly drive off a clife and get himself killed and his car totaled. (At least, that's how my mother would tell it.)

Therefore, since driving to new places is too dangerous for you, the closest thing to exploration you can get is a travel review of a place I've been once or twice. Pay attention, now. I'm doing you a favor, telling you what the world is like as you sit nervously by your computer and hide under the desk at the sound of thunder as you quake with fear. These are things your cowardly little frame can't handle.

Tallahassee's Airport

The Tallahassee Airport is a visual wonder from all angles. The architects playcully designed this building to be nothing short of a masterpiece. Inside, along the shops (such as the game room, the shoe shiners, and the college [yes, the college]), contemporary works of art are hung tastefully along the walls. Even the sidewalks don't have very much gum on them. It's an airport fit for a king, especially a Swedish one. King Carl Gustaf, just keep your daughter in here, and people will be too in awe of the very building to notice if her dress isn't exactly high enough.

I couldn't get a picture of the place, I'm afraid. You know how airport security is. Carry a camera within three miles of the place and a team of ninjas will drop down and throw you to the nearest jail, no questions asked. And even if I could take pictures, I wouldn't, because terrorists will get hold of them somehow. Once they know what the Tallahassee airport looks like, they can use the information to kill us all.

(Terrorists!)

Prince Murat Motel

I'd stay away from this place, dude. At night, half the lights on the sign don't work. The parking lot is so small. It's like... they don't want anyone to go there.

Now that I'm a safe distance away from that place, it's time for me to tell the world. Brace yourself for this: The Prince Murat Motel is actually a terrorist base!

Not that I went in the building. But look at it. It has a Middle Eastern Theme. Who would run a Middle Eastern Themed motel in the middle of Florida but a terrorist? The real Saddam is probably hiding there, laughing his head off as he stunt double goes to trial. Someone should protest.

Tallahassee Natural History Museum

Supposedly, this museum is special because it was built on the grave of the woman who was married to George Washington and Napoleion, or something. The staff has preserved the plantation and the slave quarters and many of the old buildings, and the (the buildings, not necessarilly the staff) are filled with quaint artifacts of the age, such as a loom, a matress filled with wood chips, and a Commodore 64.

They've added a nature preserve, where they keep their spotted owls and bengal tigers and bobcats. How... immensely useless. Although, the live mosquito display was pretty cool. And interactive. These museum folk know whatr makes their customers itch*, I take it.

*with excitement!

Kool Beanz Cafe

Modern. Traditional. Groovy. Retro. Some of these words might describe the Kool Beanz Cafe. Others might not. I'm under no obligation to tell you. That bloody wanker at Tuahan.com sent me to write this travel review, but he wouldn't even pay for meals! Support me in my protest against this tightwad. Email him and tell him what a jerk he is!

P.S. I'm striking now so I can't officially put this in the review, but there was this bank called the "Farmers and Merchants Bank", and its marquee said "Aptly words are like gold apples set in silver". Isn't that totally awesome?